The worst part about dealing with anxiety is that it is irrational. No amount go logical thinking and reasoning can stop the big screaming voice inside me telling me how I’ll lose the people close to me. How I’ll be bad mouthed and called a chutiya. It’s just how it is.
This time it was because I called P effeminate in a conversation. I clarified, and I didn’t mean it in a derogatory sense. That is just one of the many wonderful things about him. But how these words may be construed and told to him just kept playing in my head, until I relied on YouTube to provide me with enough stimulus to distract me until the voice in my head calmed down. It wasn’t an attack, but had I ruminated on it further, it would have been one.
I want to fight this, I just don’t know how. Clearly rational thinking isn’t a powerful tool in this case. But I’m just so tired of feeling tense and anxious. Living with a knot in a gut, and sweaty palms.