I am frozen. Looking it instagram pictures of people whose lives seem to be moving on, going places. Watching youtube videos I know will make me depressed or angry or judgemental. Not working on the things that should matter to me. That do matter to me. Running, writing, reading, painting even. I’m going through the motions of life. Everyday at work I try to find distractions that will pass time until its time to go home. I have missed countless funding opportunities for my Master’s programmes. This is oddly familiar. Not working hard enough, and settling for something that isn’t my first choice. What do I do? I’m numb and frozen and tense and paralysed. I am losing control over my life, my work, my studies and my friends.
I had my exams last week, and tiring as those were, they gave me a purpose for that week. This just makes me question, am I nothing without these tasks, these events? Who am I? Why am I not who I want to be? Why the fuck am I paralysed? Where will I go from here?